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Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun, the characters from it, the Great American Smokeout, alarm clocks, pacifiers, or anything else presented aside from my own characters or ideas. Suing isn't nice. Please don't do it, OK? *gives big puppy eyes*
Insomnia. It's something Wolfwood has never had that much of a problem with in his life-even after the worst tragedies or the saddest days, he never had any previous trouble sleeping. Until now.
Milly's snoring, which seems to fall on the vocal range of a chainsaw and his motorcycle, is only a part of it, but one of the worst. At each inhalation and snort, he feels as if he is going to jump out of his own body.
Even that, though, is not the worst. The thoughts of the previous day are even more of an annoyance. . .
The day before. . .
"All right, you can stop laughin' any time, Tongari-this wasn't my idea!" At that, Wolfwood had glared threateningly, then popped his fingers at Vash's face.
"If I'm needle noggin, you're pacifier face! Ahahahahahaha!" More laughter, and at that, the men had begun screaming at each other.
Meryl locks both arms around Vash's waist, dragging him away from Wolfwood, who Milly had seized quickly in a bearhug. "You two act like you're both babies! No wonder Bernardelli is actually paying me to watch you!"
At that, Wolfwood, Milly, and the now-screaming Selphie headed for home. "Milly. Why did you ever call them over, especially after-"
"Because I wanted to talk some more. Besides. . .this world is made of love and peace! Love and peace! Love and-"
Wolfwood almost jumps to the ceiling, holding his head in his hands. "Great, an hour of sleep and I had to have a nightmare that Milly had started screamin' that utter-"
The cat in the window begins its nightly serenade, as another series of rather unladylike snorts from Milly echo through the room. Then Selphie begins to wail. Wolfwood sticks fingers in both ears, places his head under the pillow, and begins to hum the words to "Sound Life" before realizing what exactly he is doing-then screams at the top of his vocal range as he punches the wall behind the bed repeatedly.
"Mmmm. . .more pudding. . .butterscotch. . .berries. . .hiss, hisss. . .gyork. . .hisss. . . yeah. . .pistachio pudding? Give me some. . .hisssss, gyork. . .ssss, hisss what? Nicholas, what in the world is going on?" Milly sits up, yawning, rubbing sleep from her eyes, then staring at the two holes in the wall. "Why did you do that?"
"The noise, honey. . .I can't take any more of this. Don't you have at least one cigarette that you didn't throw out?"
"No. Now it's 2:00 in the morning, so can't we sleep?"
"I can't sleep."
"All right, then can you let me sleep? Anyway, I'm just happy that Mr. Vash didn't start smoking like you did."
Wolfwood growls, a hint of cynical anger in his voice. "What does this have to do with that idiot?"
"Don't you remember two years ago? If he had, there wouldn't be a planet left, darling."
The priest falls back on the headboard, silently berating himself for suspecting anything untoward from Milly and amazed at his outburst at her. "Sorry, honey. . .I'm so miserable now."
"I understand. Sempai said that it's really hard to quit."
Wolfwood falls into a light doze.
"The Sandy Planet House Of Pudding? Milly, honey, is this what you made me drive 1000 iles almost nonstop to see?"
"Yes, it most definitely is! Come on!"
He grudgingly follows her inside, rubbing at his sore leg. "That still hurts from that time Grey the Ninelives-"
"Speaking of nine lives, they have Meow Mix pudding! Come on, Kuroneko, let's get some!" Milly picks up the stunned cat from the floor and carries him to the counter.
Wolfwood sighs. "Milly, honey, you don't really want cat food pudding now. Tell me you don't."
"I've been having these really strange cravings since the doctor told me the septuplets were on the way-"
"Sep. . .sep. . .septuplets?"
"Yes, darling. I guess what that woman said about me so long ago is really happening."
"Milly, honey." Wolfwood sits at a table, almost slumping over it, somehow attempting to calculate any way her Bernardelli salary and his even lower priest's salary can cover raising eight children.
"Oh yes, and I'm going to name the boys Knives, Legato, Chapel, Midvalley, and Raidei. The girls will be Dominique and Elendira."
"No, no. . .Milly, don't do that!"
"Nicholas! Behind you! Run!"
A pudding cup the size of Monev the Gale begins chasing them. "What in-"
"I am the last Gung Ho Gun, Carmel the Puddingcup! Prepare to meet your fate once and for all!"
Wolfwood shoulders his weapon and fires at the monster, only to see the rockets bouncing off as the creature grows to the size of an entire city, then begins moving toward him. . .
"Nicholas, what's wrong? You're screaming again." Milly's concerned voice awakens him from the nightmare.
"Don't ask. I had this nightmare where you were having septuplets and we were being attacked by a giant pudding cup and-"
"Ooh, sounds fun. I wish I could have a dream like that. I'd eat the pudding."
"Don't say that, honey. Don't ever say that. At least it's mornin'."
"That reminds me, Sempai said she would watch the baby today while we go to the hardware store and get what we need to fix that wall."