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Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun, the characters from it, the Great American Smokeout, alarm clocks, pacifiers, or anything else presented aside from my own characters or ideas. Suing isn't nice. Please don't do it, OK? *gives big puppy eyes*
The blare of the new alarm clock that Milly had bought awakens Wolfwood precisely two hours after he had finally gotten to sleep at 7:00 AM.
"I can't take any more of this!" he yells as he begins to dress, rubbing sleep from his eyes.
"That alarm is the quietest one they had, Nicholas. . .It barely woke me up earlier this morning. I think maybe you just need to calm down. You even had this nightmare last night and threw me out of bed-"
"Milly, honey. . .that was your nightmare, and you threw me out of bed. You were screamin' somethin' about my bein' a 'meanie' and wastin' pudding."
"Oh." Milly smiles as she places a cup of coffee on the table in front of him. "You don't look like you're as jittery today, darling."
"Some improvement. I still feel horrible." Wolfwood holds a hand to his head as he sips the coffee.
"Well,
you don't have to feel horrible about the $$500 double dollar ticket. You know
what I did? I called a negotiator listed in the phone book, and he was able to
convince the sheriff and deputy that Knives and Legato were the actual party
hosts and that you were innocent!" Milly breathlessly chirps, pausing, then
continuing. "Wasn't that the best? Now we don't have to pay a ticket!"
A knock resounds on the front door. "Who's that? It's only 9:00-"
"That must be the person I hired. He said he wanted to discuss payment for his services later today."
Wolfwood opens the door to see a rather well-dressed man about his height, holding a briefcase. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Wolfwood. The name's Roger Smith. Your wife hired me to negotiate the matter of the noise citation with the sheriff last night. May I come in?"
"Why not." Wolfwood sinks into his chair at the table as the man, appearing rather sleepy himself, settles into the chair across from him and Milly, opening the briefcase.
"The December City Sheriff has agreed to drop the charges against you, after further investigation proved that the house was indeed rented out to Millions Knives and Legato Bluesummers, and not to you. However, as part of this agreement, you must tell the sheriff everything you know about the potential whereabouts of these dangerous killers and their modus operandi."
"Fine, as long as it isn't a confession."
"Now, let's discuss my fee. Lessee. . .it's $$400 double dollars for the negotiation itself, I charge $$100 an hour."
Wolfwood sighs as it sinks in that he has only been spared $$100 double dollars. "Thank you very much for your help-"
"Then there's my after-hours fee, $$50 double dollars an hour."
"Ah." The priest attempts to look unconcerned as he internally screams at Milly's thoughtlessness.
"One last thing: my unnecessary aggravation fee is $200 double dollars. This city's sheriff is really pigheaded."
Wolfwood almost screams as he reaches for his wallet. "Don't I know that!"
"You're kind of on edge. . .let me guess. You've stopped smoking." The negotiator's face takes on a kindlier appearance. "I did a few years ago, rough business. Nevertheless I'm glad I did. Tell you what though. . .I'm dropping the overtime and aggravation fees. You have a good day now, Mr. Wolfwood."
"You too."
The door closes as he leaves. "Wasn't that nice of him, Nicholas?"
"How could he tell? Do I look like I'm crazy or somethin?"
Milly
smiles. "Look in the mirror."
Wolfwood stands in the bathroom, staring into the mirror for a second at the chewed pacifier hanging from his mouth and the wild-eyed look on his face.
A loud wail from the colicky Selphie resounds from the nursery. At that, Wolfwood screams unintelligibly, slams his fist into the mirror hard enough to crack it, then storms out of his house, grabbing the portable confessional on the way.
Still in a total rage, he kicks in the door of the house next door, storming through the hallway, as Meryl's voice floats through the hall. "I will be right back. . .don't go anywhere or anything, all right?"
Wolfwood throws open the door to the last room at the end of the hall as Vash hurriedly throws his coat over himself. "Tongari! I have to talk to someone, anyone!"
"Now?" The most quizzical look possible comes into the blonde's eyes. "What is wrong with you? It's Meryl's day off of work! Can't you see that we are-"
With that, Meryl, dressed in a rather short red nightgown and clenching a huge red rose in her teeth, appears in the doorway. "Wasn't it worth the wait, Vash-" Her look instantly turns from coy flirtation to anger, as her face turns a shade redder than the nightgown. "Wolfwood! What are you doing here? Idiot! I've heard of being an opportunist for confessions, but this is just sick!"
Wolfwood feels like diving under the floor in embarrassment and fear as Meryl kicks him as hard as she possibly can, sending him staggering back to his house. "You're not looking too good, darling."
"Let's just say Meryl and I had a slight misunderstandin'."
"You're blushing, Nicholas."
". . .I. . .saw something I hope never to see again."
"You're a priest, haven't you heard it all?"
"I've heard it all, but I haven't seen somethin' that. . .that. . .since I stayed at the Gung Ho Guns mansion so long ago. . .that reminds me."
"Wait!"
Milly's cry rings in Wolfwood's ears as he storms off once more, this time to the local restaurant. The priest scans the tables until he sees an almost ceiling-high pile of cheesecake, cookies, ice cream, pudding, and almost any other fattening sweet possible, alongside a smaller stack of hot dogs and pizza.
"How did you find me once more, Nicholas D. Wolfwood?"
"Don't ask. I just knew where to look."
At that, Legato glares. "If you are looking to take a confession for gluttony, a fifth of this belongs to Master Knives. . .I ordered for him. We share the same taste."
Wolfwood sighs. "No, I just need someone to hear me out for a change." The priest places the portable confessional over his own head.
Legato sighs, appearing a bit bewildered. "I. . .I am not in agreement with-"
"I don't care what your religious affiliation is right now! I just need someone to listen to me, anyoneeee!" Wolfwood begins crying.
The
psychotic assassin laughs, realizing that this just might be a source of some
enjoyment. "Then tell me. Unless Master Knives comes, in which case I do
not wish to listen to your spider ramblings when I can hear his perfect
words."
Wolfwood leans back in his side of the booth, the confessional still perched over his head as his crying becomes more intermittent sniffles. "Y'see, three days ago. . .sniff. . .Milly signed me up for the Great Sandy Planet Smokeout. . .sniff. . .if you don't know what that is-"
"Oh, but I do know what that is. During the day, I often walk the streets holding one cigarette on a string, pulling it slightly out of reach of these pitiful spiders such as yourself who are so addicted. It is indeed great fun."
"Anyway. . .sniff. . .the first day my head hurt like you wouldn't believe, and I was so sensitive to noise that I. . .that I broke an alarm clock. . .and my entire body trembled as if it were a leaf. . .Milly, thoughtless as usual, forgot to buy any patches or gum or inhalers or anything at all. . .so we went to the store. . .the place was bought out, and a bounty hunter stole the last patches. . .sniff. . .and I almost robbed a man if it weren't for Milly."
"So you have nothing at all aside from your willpower."
"Pacifiers. . .sniff. . .oh, how I was mocked that first day. . .Tongari wouldn't stop laughin'. . .'pacifier face.'" Wolfwood screams, pounding his fist into the table.
"I do hope that person does not see me. I have an entire collection of pacifiers, one of which Master himself gave me, and sometimes, when I am alone as always, I-"
"Legato! I am unburdening myself on you, not takin' your confession!" Wolfwood catches himself as he sees double dollars flying away. "I mean, I'll hear you out later. Let me continue."
"All right." Legato appears somewhat disappointed, as he reaches for a cheesecake.
"Then we got into a fight, actually were dragged apart by Meryl and Milly. . .how embarrassing. . .sniff. . .but the embarrassment had only begun. . .the second day, I had this crazy nightmare that Milly was screamin' 'love and peace' for hours. . .then I punched a hole in a wall, then another nightmare about Milly havin' septuplets named after the Gung Ho Guns and about bein' chased by a gigantic pudding cup!"
"That is quite laughable. What next, spider?"
"I accidentally locked myself in that huge refrigerator at the hardware store when I stepped into it, seekin' what I thought was the temporary end of my misery. Instead, it was a flyer for the smokeout, and I spent the better part of an hour in there while first Milly, then the fire department, and finally Milly again tried to get me out! Sniff. . .Of course Tongari was there to see it all, and it was all over the evening newspapers too. . .'Bumbling Priest Locked In Refrigerator.' Not only that, I had to buy the fridge for $$2,000 double dollars!"
A soft laugh bursts from Legato's lips as he looks at the now-whining Wolfwood. "You did seem as if you had a rather hard day when you came to the party last night."
"It was all your fault! I know you and Knives are homicidal maniacs bent on the destruction of all humanity, but couldn't you at least be considerate neighbors?" Wolfwood realizes that he is almost screaming.
"The boombox was Master's idea. Even I wanted to sleep by that hour."
"Then when I got home, Milly had a nightmare that I was a shop owner who was wastin' pudding and literally physically threw me across the room in her sleep."
Legato smiles at that. "The female spiders are the most vicious at times. . ."
"As I learned this mornin', after I had a discussion with the negotiator Milly hired to settle the rumor that I was hostin' your and Knives's wild party with the sheriff. I was. . .sniff, just wantin' someone to hear me out, and I wasn't in my right mind, so I went next door to see if Tongari would hear me like this. . .and. . .and. . ."
Legato peers through one of the confessional's side windows to see Wolfwood's reddened face. "Let me guess. You obtained an unwanted lesson on the spiders and the butterflies."
"You. . .could say that. Anyway, Meryl called me all kinds of names and accused me of tryin' to unethically collect confessions before she kicked me. . .sniff. . .that stiletto heel hurt. . . and threw me out of their house. . .sniff. . .so that has been my last three days. . .pain, suffering, embarrassment-"
"Do not whine so. That has been my entire existence." Legato smiles as Wolfwood removes the confessional. "And this has been a first for me. I have heard many dying words, but never a confession before this point. I do think it was quite enjoyable-"
"You do know you could become a priest-"
"No way. Master Knives should be coming soon. In the interim, can you hear me out now?"
"Why not. Just drop your money in here like so-"
An hour later, Wolfwood walks away from the restaurant, shaking his head much like a dog that had gotten mud in its ears would have, hoping to somehow clear his head from the innermost thoughts and feelings of Legato Bluesummers. "I would have preferred a bath in effluent. That isn't worth any amount of money. . .should have learned the last time. . .man, I myself have some confessions to make today. . ."